Intimacy. Passion. Sex.
These three concepts go hand in
hand, yes; this is meant to address a common misconception within
society: that these elements are one in the same or that one cannot
exist without the other.
But I am here to be the bearer
of bad news; they certainly are not one in the same, and many struggle
with experiencing all of them during any given single sexual encounter.
When these three elements exist
simultaneously, therein lies the true enlightened experience of
intimate, ultimate sex, tantric pleasure, true love and the true joining of two souls. It can be done… but not without work.
As a clinical sexologist, I help couples and individuals define and find ways of accomplishing this.
We can open the floodgates of sexual expression and exploration in an
effort to obtain sexual freedom—that freedom ultimately leads to
complete enlightenment. This sexual freedom is a gateway to a higher level of consciousness, acceptance and unconditional love.
But, first, let’s just start with basic “sex” and “love” education.
How do we define intimacy,
passion, and sex? How do they differ? And most importantly, how in the
world is it love without those present all the time?
Intimacy
Most people I encounter take the
word “intimacy” and replace it for “sex.” This may have happened in an
effort to avoid politically incorrect words like “sex” or the “f” word
when speaking—not to mention the word “coitus” just sounds ridiculous.
The term “intimacy” refers to an affectionate or close interpersonal relationship or act thereof.
I can see how this became intertwined with the physical act of sex; but
to clarify, there are many, many ways to reach intimacy without sex.
Intimacy is facilitated through closeness between
two or more people at any given time. This could be achieved by
touching someone’s face or hand, through reading a book together or even
playing a board game. A one-way street to intimacy is through
quality time. Whatever that entails is up to you. Quality time is not
sitting next to each other watching television or playing on your
phones.
Intimacy is attained through a more genuine exchange that occurs after establishing real love, trust, companionship, etc.
That does not mean you can’t get glimpses of it at the beginning stages
of an exchange with someone, because that can absolutely happen. It
just often takes more time.
Passion
Passion is a tricky one because passion is subjective.
Passion, like intimacy, can be
applied to far-more than the physical act of sex. We can be passionate
about our careers, our hobbies, our loved ones, our pets and our sex;
however, what passion feels like, how it is applied, to what or who it
is applied and when it is applied changes constantly.
The mistake we so often make is
once we feel passionate about something, the second that we don’t feel
that same passion, we decide we must not need or want it anymore. That
is the single most-destructive belief that has been applied to our
relationships and marriages.
That passion that we all chase
in the start of a relationship is temporary, usually referred to as the
“honeymoon” phase. It will not last forever.
Passion refers to a compelling emotion or feeling—such as love or hate. It’s sometimes described as a strong sexual desire. Passion can be so many things while also just being one.
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The problem? We hear the word
“passion” and think, “Oh, the sex is mind blowing and my body just
yearns for him/her.” But more often than not, even when couples have
experienced passion, the physical act of the sex may have been awkward,
one or both may not have achieved orgasm, or they didn’t know each
other’s bodies well enough for it to be fully mind blowing. Why?
Because passion, just like intimacy, is often linked to the “honeymoon” phase. When sexual passion and intimacy fades and
the sex becomes mundane or stagnant, couples want to break up or
divorce saying “I don’t feel the passion anymore. We aren’t in love
anymore.” That’s because they are looking for it in the wrong places.
Couples shouldn’t be looking for anything, they should be focused on
understanding passion and working on creating it.
Sex
Sex. Yes, sex can just be sex.
It can be a mechanical action to
meet a basic biological need of sexual satisfaction without any
involvement of deep emotion or feeling.
Some have asked whether or not
that is entirely true. Are humans capable of having emotionless sex? I
think it might be possible with the help of drugs or alcohol to numb;
but even with that, there is something that occurs during the biological
act of sex that is not within our control.
We have a biological need for sex, but we also have a biological need to connect interpersonally.
So one way or another, some sort of a connection occurs emotionally and
mentally as well. Where our control comes in is whether we attach
meaning to it or not.
So those who walk away without attaching meaning, those are the individuals who can chalk it off as a mechanical action.
Love
Love is so much more than the
intimacy or passion we experience through sex. All of those components
play a role in the true meaning of love.
The single best way to describe true love is through the word freedom.
One of my favorite authors, Osho, touches on this in his book Being in Love: How to 
Love with Awareness and Relate Without Fear. The
true meaning of love is the notion that you have sex, passion, or
intimacy with someone while not looking for it, needing it or missing
anything when you don’t have it. This is all in name of
acceptance-that the moment is what it is. That if you need any one of
those things you will become aware and mindful of it, and create it.
Love with Awareness and Relate Without Fear. The
true meaning of love is the notion that you have sex, passion, or
intimacy with someone while not looking for it, needing it or missing
anything when you don’t have it. This is all in name of
acceptance-that the moment is what it is. That if you need any one of
those things you will become aware and mindful of it, and create it.
Love is the idea that we don’t
resort to the notion of “I’m not in love anymore” or “I just don’t feel
the same.” Those beliefs only come from societal implications of when
something is missing we should leave to go find it somewhere else.
All Together Now
Even after describing the differences of intimacy, passion, and sex, I see how they may still appear to be one in the same.
On the surface they do look
similar and they even behave in similar ways. They arrive at similar
times throughout the connection of an interpersonal relationship.
The differences become clear when we begin to understand what they mean and how to apply them. We realize that it is within our control to create them at different times of our relationships and interactions with others.
There are times where we need intimacy more than passion and chemistry.
There are times where we need sex without doing the work it may take to
involve the other two. There will be times where we stumble across all
three and our minds are blown. Most importantly, what we need to learn
is how to know which is which and with whom. Because passion, intimacy
and even sex can all be misconstrued as love. Similarly, we can fall
under the belief that if we don’t have those things, we don’t have love.
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